June 7, '97

1) the letter I received from Ren
2) the hot air balloons I saw this morning
3) how humbling it is to have red-eye when I cry -- we all need humility!
4) just that I am HERE is a true BLESSING!
5) my room-mates and what I learn from them
50 push-ups. that's it.

My patriarchal blessing tells me I'll learn Christ-like love through motherhood, but I think I'm being given some trial opportunities here at the MTC. Christ-like love -- what does that entail? Christ has some high expectations of us -- "Be ye therefore perfect." He never backs down on his doctrine just so we'll like him. His love is always available to those who will partake.

I think of it in terms of Lehi's dream, that the tree of life (we'll interpret that as God's love) is rooted in the same ground all the time -- he never changes where it is to be found. The fruit replenishes itself so there is always enough to go around. The iron rod is provided as a safe means to get to God's love. he doesn't sell tickets or discriminate as to who can grasp on to the iron rod. He allows those who are enjoying the fruit to stay in plain sight, as a motivator for those of us still on the path. But for some reason, some people won't grasp on to the iron rod. Instead they hop on an escalator which takes them down to a great and spacious building, full of the love of men which just doesn't compare to the love of God. So here I am, at this point in time, with this district for a reason and I really think this might be (at least one of them) it!

I need to recognize people's agency to partake of the love of God -- or not. And while I can't understand or sympathize with their choice not to, I must simply be a tree of love, always in the same place, bearing plenty of fruit, with a path provided to partake.

What happened that brought on this analogy type of thinking is the {Staryeishini} Elders "expressed concern" (the real word is complained, but not in MTC vocabulary) to Sister Bird (my evening teacher) that they didn't want my help in teaching them. Apparently, an unequal relationship was evolving and that's never good. So while I was passing off my task, Sis. Bird expressed this concern to me and asked what we could do about it.

I was at a loss because my heart feels so pure! My intent was not to do this! I have some very simple goals -- I just don't have the most effective means of reaching them. So I will be paying attention to the other Sisters, who are helpful but (apparently) in a more effective way.

I'm not so worried that the Elders don't like me -- not everyone clicks and certainly not when their goals aren't the same. I'm just concerned that they have set me up as a hindrance to their progression, when all I wanted to be was a help. So I will remove the attempts at helping and that should ultimately remove one of their hindrances to learning.

Oh, I'm so excited to be a missionary! I know I have so much yet to learn and that I can learn it in/thru these experiences... not that I couldn't learn it in other ways, but like I said, at first maybe this is a trial run!

I honestly believe that missionary work is the responsibility of the priesthood and that it is my privilege to be involved in the miracles of conversion that lie ahead as I thrust my sickle into this marvelous work and wonder!

I pray for the attributes required (listed in D&C 4) and that I can grow in each of these.

I love my Savior and am so grateful for his love for me. I am in awe that I am a member of his Only true Church and that I partake in the ordinances that will lead me back to his presence. Why aren't I feeling the Spirit as I write this?!

I NEED the Spirit's constant confirmation! I rely on it so much!

The end. Cectpa Bepi

PS - I felt the Spirit as I read it -- that makes me feel better.

Fitting scripture (found 6/8, 6:30am, right when I needed it!)
Alma 42:27