June 10, '97

1) Rachel's letter
2) strawberries and chocolate ice cream
3) knowing the uplifting people that I know
4) challenges wherein I can seek to learn and grow within myself
5) the scriptures and the power they have to bring me closer to Christ
12 min cycling; 65 push-ups

Why do I question? Why do I even let it cross my mind that maybe I'm not supposed to be here? ACK!

I have every desire to be serving a full-time mission. I am excelling with the language -- certainly beyond my own abilities, and hence I attribute it to the Lord and that he is blessing me to be here, showing His approval and support.

Where is my strength of heart, though, that is going to carry me through the times of strife ahead? The MTC is easy compared to what's to take place in the future. I need the Lord's hand to buoy me up, to offer the comfort and the strength that only comes from him. Otherwise, I will question the whole time if I'm really supposed to be here.

I have felt the Lord's Spirit assuring me that he is pleased with my choice to be here, but I am also aware of my faulty foundations for that choice.

I struggle with pride constantly -- that I have always wanted to be an R.M. and wouldn't settle for a mere Mrs. I am humbled daily by the length of the commitment I have made and by what it means in regards to my future.

I'll have mission stories to tell when I teach seminary! I'll set a good example for my sons and daughters. I'll have better communication skills with my eternal companion because I'll "practice" with these companions.

But are these reasons to serve that will provide the motivation and encouragement necessary to overcome trials set in the path of all missionaries by the dreadful adversary?

Could I learn these same lessons or accomplish the same goals (besides the title of RM) through other means? And if so, why aren't I doing those?

Because I love the Lord. I love His gospel. I love what it's done for me, the person it's helped me become thus far, and the person it's given me the potential to become, particularly in an eternal perspective.

I feel the Lord's love radiate through my life, see how it's lit the dark parts of my days. I want to share it, thereby strengthening my own candle's illumination by lighting others.

I want to feel the Spirit as I testify of truth; I want to see others' reactions as to how they feel the Spirit and recognize it and use it to guide them. I want to share in their joy of a new life as a disciple of Christ, the great God of this earth. I want to bear their burdens and provide any strength I might.

I want to be an instrument in the Lord's hands and be a force for good -- for ETERNAL good! And all the glory to my Father in Heaven, for truly I am nothing without Him, His Son, and His Spirit.

I bear my testimony of these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Wow, it's nice to have a journal to "listen" to me! I rely on it! Cectpa Bepi