June 13, 1997 (morning)

FRIDAY the 13th! :)

1) THE TEMPLE!! Its great blessings...
Today, being P-day, was spent at the temple... and my goodness did I need it. What I need from here on out, though, is to learn to achieve a similar level of spiritual high without having to be on the temple grounds... because it'll be 16 months before I'm on temple grounds again. Surely this is one of the sacrifices of the next year and a half.

No wonder they call it temple "work" and missionary "work" for indeed it takes a toll on you! I feel drained by the immensity of the Spirit I am blessed to feel as I participate in the temple ordinances.

Today, on my mind again, was whether or not to go home. I can't remember struggling with a subject to a similar degree before and it's simply because I seem to be receiving this answer from the Lord: "It mattereth not unto me, it is by all means, to every extent, your choice -- just please, Regan, make the choice for righteous reasons, then stick with the choice that you make. Do not waver! Make the choice and know that it is right and work from there." I'm generally used to receiving more specific answers form the Lord, but it is a reality in this case that my progression will not nore will anyone else's, be hindered by this decision, either way.

Even if I chose to stay home I would still be provided means to learn all the lessons I need to learn, and my Russian investigators that I've been praying for since before I sent in my papers would still be afforded the opportunity to accept the gospel and partake of its blessings. It's a very interesting predicaments because of all things I know that there are tough times ahead. Russia simply is not America, in its language, its "luxuries" or lack thereof, its culture -- there's a lot of adjustments to be made should I choose to go forth. And I must go forth for the right reasons, not just to avoid the judgments of people if I choose to go home.

I know that I will be married, within a year, of whenever I make myself available again. That was a comforting part of the revelation!

Most of all, it was made very clear to me, and stressed above and beyond anything else, that this is to be my choice. I guess that's why I'm having to make the choice here in the MTC when I can't just pick up the phone and call my Mom, or go over to my Home teacher's house. I must admit I'm leaning towards the mission! And I'm grateful to feel that compulsion. I need it. Well, I'm going to take a nap and I'll report back tonight! ;)